I am almost 40 years old (one year and 2 months shy of 40 to be exact) and this is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I have dealt with some kind of depression.
It isn't an all out depression. I don't think I need drugs, I don't feel I need to speak with a professional, I am by no means suicidal and some days I am not very sad. But it's there. It lurks. And it's funny how it works. Some days I wake up invigorated and hopeful but by mid day the roller coaster has hit the bottom. Sometimes by the late hours of the night the roller coaster starts climbing the rails and I have this certain boost of positivity and I can accomplish everything that I should have all day long. It's strange how it works. I have a good handle on my feelings. I know when they aren't right and I am smart enough to know that they will pass. I feel fortunate. I feel fortunate because unlike some people who have these emotions and don't give them much thought, I can analyze them, deal with them and forge on.
Even though I can forge on, I find some of the thoughts associated with feeling this way tough and interesting all at the same time. Certain things that you normally wouldn't care about or think about loom in your thoughts and when it was at the point where I started to think about those feelings that I could put the puzzle together.
When the roller coaster is at it's lowest, things bother me that normally wouldn't.
One day while perusing Facebook, I happened to see that an acquaintance was in a new relationship. Comments followed her proclamation- "congrats!" and "woo-hoo, finally" and "well deserved!" etc etc. How many times have I seen posts like this without a second thought? I am not normally unhappy when I see them. But this bothered me. I stared at the profile photo. Great looking woman... and my only thought was "who?" Is it someone that I have loved? Someone who didn't love me? Someone that I still love? And for the entire day and the day that followed that one I logged in multiple times to that account to see if there was any clue to who this person could be. I was fearful. We live in a big city. The odds are slim to none. But I was terrified, paranoid... jealous?
When plans are cancelled with friends, when a text isn't returned, when I see someone attending an event without me that I would have liked to be at... The self pity and sadness are escalated. I know in my brain that nothing is personal. I know that if the roller coaster was at the top of the hill I wouldn't care... but when it's sitting at the bottom the self pity is terrible. Does no one like me as much as I like them? Does no one care? And so that self pity looms. I want to burn a bridge. I want to walk away from people. And it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous because it's so momentary. This is what depression does. It takes a momentary feeling or thought and blows it entirely out of proportion.
When something happens with the kids... something small, If Ryan gets in the car after school and tells me that someone wasn't nice to him... well of course any parent in any state of mind might feel sad, but if my roller coaster is sitting low, I AM SO SAD for him. And then I pry a bit (all trying to sound like I don't care), "well what did you say?" and "what did a teacher say?" And all the while I am second guessing if he handled it right, if he is sad about it like I am. And of course the next day, heck the next hour- things are back to normal for Ryan- it isn't a care of his in the world... but I have had a pit in my stomach for the last hour.
Depression escalates all normal human feelings. It makes you feel guilty, worthless, jealous, sad. It makes you self-sabotage, burn bridges, retreat and ignore people who have no idea you are feeling this way. But the ABSOLUTE WORST thing is does is give you the feeling of hopelessness. And to me hopelessness is the absolute worst emotion to deal with. A person can have everything in the world but when you are feeling low, it doesn't matter.
But even after writing this all- I do think I will be ok- I KNOW I will be ok. Years and months and days have ups and downs. I know that it's only a matter of time until the roller coaster sits at the top of the mountain for longer periods of time. I am looking forward to that again. All the superficial things that fill our cups (shopping, renovations, evenings out, great food, boys, sex, love) won't matter as much.
Looking forward to it.
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