That life is too short.
I'm sure I am about to come off like a sappy picture meme that expresses some kind of enlightening advice... I certainly don't mean to...
The way I see it, at almost 40, in a perfect case scenario my life is about half over. In a non ideal situation, who knows... no one is guaranteed anymore time here than the next. And this is scary to me. In the past year all of my hopes and dreams for what I want for my life that's left, for my children's life (until they are off on their own) has changed so much. I struggle with this ideal fairy tale that I find myself imagining. I am not brave enough to achieve it. And I could, the money has never been an issue to do whatever I can imagine for myself... trips and toys and experiences. But I am afraid and I WAIT. And I wait and wait and wait with excuses that are legit but shouldn't hold us back. I wait until the kids are less work, I wait until I make sure I book enough work, I wait for a partner, I wait until I age, I wait until the Canadian dollar is better. And so there is this waiting game and as I wait I grow sadder and reflective.
We waste time
I waste time. I never say exactly what I want to. I never do exactly what I want to. My need to make sense of everything. My need to be the bigger person. My need to be sensible and frugal... I let joy slide through my fingertips. I walk away from things that make me happy. I self- sabotage what I really want. And I don't really know why.
I have so many regrets because I never truly tell people what I think
And not the bad things. My deepest regrets come from many of the things that I think of after the moment. I'm not sure if it's a pride or a jealousy thing. I'm not sure if people are conditioned to not say what they feel or are embarrassed to say it.
I am trying now. If I think someone is beautiful, talented, smart... I try to always voice it. Not because of any reason, because I truly KNOW they are and of the regrets I have for not. How many times have I looked back to previous conversations and experiences and I just wish I could be back in that moment to tell someone how life shaping it was for me. How much I valued their opinion. How courageous I thought they were. How excited I was to have them around me. How much I understood what they were feeling. How every experience I have had (good or bad) has left me with knowledge that I never regret. How even though I disagreed with their opinion or advice, I came to find out they were right- totally right. How much I want to say it now- just call someone up and say, "Hey remember that time..."
We are all vulnerable, we all second guess ourselves, we all need someone to like us, we all have egos, we all sell ourselves short
No explanation required.
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