Mirror Mirror On The Wall

It was the first time I had ever said it out loud, ever told anyone I think.  Just a week or two ago. 
I'm almost 39 and I can't remember the last time I have looked at myself in a mirror. 

Sure I look at pieces of myself.  If I do my hair, I look at the certain side that the straightening iron runs through.  If I brush my teeth I will look at my teeth.  If I put on makeup I will stare at one eye or a set of lips through a tiny compact mirror no larger than a 1.5 inch circle.

I can remember going for a haircut a while back and  the hairdresser wants you to give the final okay looking through those huge daunting mirrors that stretch across the styling stations- daunting, I just called a mirror daunting.  And so,  I would pretend.  I would pretend to look while trying my best to stare right through me at something reflected from a back wall. 

Don't get me wrong, I know what I look like... or at least the good angle of me that I can take with a phone.  I just don't like it.  I have an eye that is always a little more shut than another, I have a head that is a little too round.  One of my bottom teeth doesn't line up quite right. The shape of my face is not what I consider beautiful.  My shoulders are too wide, my arms always have to be covered. I would scrutinize every detail if I wanted to keep writing.  Every single detail.

Forget looking at the entire me- the closest I have come to seeing my entire self through a mirror is when I have used a camera- and it has always been 1 of 40 photos I have taken so that I can pretend and remember an image that I think is "ok"

There have been times that I accidentally catch a shocking glance at a store when I don't realize that there is a mirror on a beam or wall.  One time I didn't even know it was me.  I wish I remember what my impression was.  Did I approve? 

I can assure you that selfies are not narcissistic (an article I once read, stated that they were) 

So what confuses me more than anything is how is it that a woman with a good self esteem and good self worth can't even look in a mirror?   Maybe I have been kidding myself.  

I am not looking for approval.  I don't want anyone to tell me that I am ok, that I am pretty, that I am hot, that I have it made... I wouldn't believe it anyways.