Today

Today is Monday
Today is the low after the high of the weekend
Sunday the roller coaster still sits at the top for a while

Today is just Monday
This is not a good place to be


Today I got angry at people in my head.  Today, in my mind I planned to walk away from people.  Give up on people.  

But that was in my head.  The momentary feelings of a low (the loneliness especially) is blown out of proportion.  I now know exactly what a kid feels after a birthday party once the little friends have gone home, the presents are open and the cake is eaten... the high of the day over... so that even normal feels "low"   But if I were a kid, I could tantrum and pout- but I am a sensible adult, so I will find some kind of project around the house or visit some kind of retail establishment and fill my empty cup with something... anything. 

Today I got less angry with people in my head.  Today I decided that I wouldn't walk away from anyone.  

Forging ahead towards Tuesday. 

So As If Being Single For An Eternity Isn't Enough...

So as if being single for an eternity isn't enough, this week I got banned from a dating site.

Not just any dating site, the lowest of the low dating sites... Plenty Of Fish

I am banned

I am banned from POF

I am banned from POF- and I am not welcomed back.

I can't make this shit up.

Technology is a wondrous thing.  I can't even make a new account.  I can use a new email, new postal code... and I don't want to sound paranoid, but it's like they know your ip address or your app on your phone- because poof, the account vanishes (I know this because I tried 2 times over), don't ask me why I have tried 2 times over- perhaps I like self torturing myself with the likes of dealing with IQ's the level of a goldfish, or men who take selfies in filthy bedrooms or the endless gallery of obligatory "I caught this great big fish" pictures (tip to men, when that ugly fish is cuter than the dude holding it, don't bother)   I have come to my senses and stopped trying to beat the high security of the prestigious site of online dating - hence sealing my fate of forever single (because you know my prince charming was hiding in one of those elite profiles) :-P

So the thing with a site like this.  Someone has to report you for bad behavior (I know this because since being banned I have read their terms of service (you know that page you agree to without even reading- because who the heck reads the terms of service before anything happens and you are forced to)  And I solemnly swear that I didn't do a thing to deserve such a severe banishment!  I don't engage in lewd behavior on their site, I don't send nude photographs to other accounts (at the time I had no photographs publicly showing actually), I am not married pretending to be single and I AM NOT rude.  But I obviously rubbed someone the wrong way when I took my new approach of no longer responding to any messages to responding with a simple, "I don't think we are a match, good luck"  just nice and sweet like that... well mostly.

So who was it?  Who was the account that reported me...

The dude who lived 1 hr away from the city- so I told him it wouldn't work  "the distance, yada yada, good luck in your searches!"

The picture less dude who at my request posted a photo for me to see- he hovered somewhere around the 4-5 and I'm not going to lie, looked like he has recently been electrocuted  "thanks for posting your photo, I don't think we are a match, but good luck"

The 46 year old dude who wasn't looking for a relationship but would keep his options open.  He wrote a long heart felt message about who he was, what his hobbies were, how old his kids were... but he also openly expressed that he drank more than 3 times a week.   "Thanks for the message, but I can see by your relationship intent and the amount your drink, we wont be a match"

Or maybe...

49, not picky about age, or body type, or race or religion.  He has "no intentions of changing his home situation".  Looking for companionship that he doesn't receive in his current relationship.  SO in other words looking for someone with a cooch and a heartbeat to have sex with.  And he added at the end of his profile "must be able to host"  Seriously.  And the dude sent me a message

Dude:  Hi There.  I see we aren't looking for the same thing here.  But I was just wondering how this site is working out for you?
Normally I wouldn't have even opened up his message, but after reading his extensive profile about what he was looking for (anyone really that he could cheat on his wife with)   I had to respond!
Me:  This site is working out just fine.  If it's not working for you, maybe there is a better site that you can use to carry out your affairs, but good luck here :)
(because you know if you add good luck and a smiley face, no one should get offended :) )

I betcha it was him

I am banned from P-O-fucking-F

I guess what I realized is that no one likes rejection. Even if it's from someone you have never met, never seen a photo of and spent only a total of about 5 minutes of your life sending a couple sentences too. 

Pussies.  If I had a quarter for every time I was rejected- well I could buy that terrible site and shut it down.  Seriously

Maybe that is a blessing in disguise.  How many more damaged men and horrible coffee dates would I have subjected myself to?  I have lost count of how many fish needed a swift throwing back into that sea.  Maybe 25?  Out of that 25... 3... 3 worth seeing again!  The odds- I'd have better odds in Vegas to come home a millionaire! 

I'm just insulted really.   Insulted. 

Someone, anyone, send me a "I caught this great big fish pic" STAT! I'm going through withdrawal.  
Someone PLEASE write me a message and tell me "they are just looking for some fun at this point in their life"  
Someone please please please message me and tell me that my boobs look big or that my hair is beautiful.  :)
What's a girl got to do to get some creepy attention around here?. ;)


I am banned

I am banned from POF

I am banned from POF- and I am not welcomed back.

I can't make this shit up.

The Things I Am Certain Of...

That life is too short.

I'm sure I am about to come off like a sappy picture meme that expresses some kind of enlightening advice... I certainly don't mean to... 

The way I see it, at almost 40, in a perfect case scenario my life is about half over.  In a non ideal situation, who knows... no one is guaranteed anymore time here than the next.  And this is scary to me.  In the past year all of my hopes and dreams for what I want for my life that's left, for my children's life (until they are off on their own) has changed so much.  I struggle with this ideal fairy tale that I find myself imagining.  I am not brave enough to achieve it.  And I could, the money has never been an issue to do whatever I can imagine for myself... trips and toys and experiences.  But I am afraid and I WAIT.  And I wait and wait and wait with excuses that are legit but shouldn't hold us back.   I wait until the kids are less work, I wait until I make sure I book enough work, I wait for a partner, I wait until I age, I wait until the Canadian dollar is better.  And so there is this waiting game and as I wait I grow sadder and reflective. 

We waste time

I waste time.  I never say exactly what I want to.  I never do exactly what I want to.  My need to make sense of everything.  My need to be the bigger person.  My need to be sensible and frugal... I let joy slide through my fingertips.  I walk away from things that make me happy.  I self- sabotage what I really want.  And I don't really know why.  

I have so many regrets because I never truly tell people what I think 

And not the bad things.  My deepest regrets come from many of the things that I think of after the moment.  I'm not sure if it's a pride or a jealousy thing.  I'm not sure if people are conditioned to not say what they feel or are embarrassed to say it. 

I am trying now.  If I think someone is beautiful, talented, smart... I try to always voice it.  Not because of any reason, because I truly KNOW they are and of the regrets I have for not.  How many times have I looked back to previous conversations and experiences and I just wish I could be back in that moment to tell someone how life shaping it was for me.  How much I valued their opinion.  How courageous I thought they were.  How excited I was to have them around me.  How much I understood what they were feeling.  How every experience I have had (good or bad) has left me with knowledge that I never regret.  How even though I disagreed with their opinion or advice, I came to find out they were right- totally right.  How much I want to say it now- just call someone up and say, "Hey remember that time..."

We are all vulnerable, we all second guess ourselves, we all need someone to like us, we all have egos, we all sell ourselves short

No explanation required.  
 

Being An Introvert In A Society That Revolves Around Extroverts

"You are not introverted" a friend said to me recently

It is the height of fall, busy season in my line of work.  The leaves are beautiful and everyone wants some nice photos to capture it.  This is the time when I meet most new clients- many that I will see after this for years and years (and some that I wont) :)   But these are NEW clients.  I don't know them- they don't know me.  To this point, the bulk of our communication has been a couple emails, maybe a Facebook message or two.

But I don't know these people.

And so I drive to the location with a pit in my stomach, butterflies.  Actually, for a couple hours prior this has weighed on my mind without realizing it.  I've probably had a short temper with the kids, probably checked the camera gear and made sure it is ready to go (something that rarely happens with long time clients- I usually fly by the seat of my pants) 

I've thought about this.  Why is it so different?  I will shoot their session, like I will shoot many more this week, this probably isn't even the first shoot of the day.  It boils down to that when I arrive I will have to get out of the car with the utmost confidence- I will have to exuberant and smiley and pretend that all is perfect. I will have to be chatty and smart and most of all I will have to put on the 'extrovert show'.    Shouldn't be hard, it's my job, I've done this a million times with groups 10 times larger than this beautifully dressed family with gorgeous kids.  But it's hard - so so hard. How can 4 perfectly nice people make me feel this way.  It's comical.

When I know someone though, a group or a family there are no butterflies, there are no reservations- funnier yet, I act the exact same way (only my brain isn't thinking about it) I am still me- just not terrified to be me. 

I am an introvert who can do an incredibly good job pretending to be an extrovert.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am many of the things I pretend to be on a regular basis.  I feel I am confident, I think I am smart, I do have opinions to offer (if you know me, you certainly know I ALWAYS have an opinion to offer,lol)  But even at my age, with my experience, I lack the ability to show it.

One on one, or even in a group setting with people I know well, I can do great and most of all I FEEL GREAT.  But for all my life, all my memories, I can VERY easily get lost among a crowd of extroverts.  Maybe it's the feeling of what I have to say is unworthy, uninteresting (I mean really the life and times of Walmart and school pickups isn't exactly a hot topic) but at the same time you would have no idea how much I envy and enjoy listening to people just talk about their regular day- like it's just nothing to just small talk.  Don't I wish I had that ability.  But it's very easy to get lost in a sea of conversations when you don't feel you have anything to offer to it.  I avoid conversations with groups of strangers, groups of school moms, tables at weddings not because I want to- but because I'm terrified to be a pest.  It probably looks snobby.  I've been realizing lately how many times I look down at my feet after making eye contact with someone and exchanging a smile. I've realized how many invitations I turn away because it's with larger groups of people.

I have friends who do so well socially!  It is amazing to watch them communicate.  I am so envious of their interactions with complete strangers.  These are the people that have the ability to fit in anywhere.  They can make the small talk, until it isn't small talk anymore.  And I watch them, I watch how others respond to them- and wow, it works.  We live in a society that given the right luck and timing opens up to an extrovert.  They know what they want and they have the social skills to get there!

When you are an introvert there are certainly some things you do better than extroverts- and I know this because as an introvert you become an avid people watcher (without even realizing you are doing it)   I think sometimes I see things that others wouldn't- I watch body language and hear and remember conversations.  I can tell almost immediately if someone is uneasy, angry, shy, withdrawn.  You kinda get this sixth sense of an overall feeling someone has- and that's not a bad thing.  But I am still terrified of people I don't know well.  Meeting friends, friends... going out in larger groups... having people I know 'one on one'  meet other people I know 'one on one'  And I'm not sure if it's because I'm shy or because I fear that I will revert to that introvert who has nothing to offer. It is so strange!

But perhaps because I have this ability to see emotions and body language is why I do so well trying to make people comfortable.  How many times have I received emails after a session that have said "Wow, you made that so easy"  or "I gotta tell you, little Timmy really liked you"   I think honestly it's because I can empathize with everything they are feeling and I try to think of what would make me more comfortable.   And it's not just at work that I go beyond.  When I see others conversations muffled in a group setting I always try to make a point to ask them to continue telling me what they were wanting to offer.

So that's just me, doubtful at my age it's going to change- but I sure am going to try.  And for all those times when it's incredibly hard to open up and put on the 'extrovert show' well, there's always wine ;)

My Heart Is Stuck and My Head Hates It

What would you do if you thought you were in love with someone.  Ok, maybe love is a strong word.  What would you do if you met someone, and unlike anyone you had met ever before, you thought that you would marry that person.  You actually had a conversation with someone and actually thought to yourself "wow, I'm going to marry that man" 

And you never said a thing.  What if you were so wrapped up in stupid pride and being reserved and being righteous that you never fought for it.  Even though you wanted to so badly.  Even though you think about it every.single.day. and the feeling is always there. 

What if you wanted to pursue it, but your walls were built up so high and you were so terrified of rejection and perhaps admitting to yourself that it's a whim, an obsession and that the feelings aren't mutual. 

Would you say something?  Even if the time is gone. 

My heart is stuck and my head hates it.  Once you have had the best, there is nothing that will do- no one else.   I am stuck. 

Totally Real Things That Complete Strangers Have Said To Me

Yesterday I was at a friends and the subject of guys and dating came up as it always seems to.  If you are happily married for the last 10 or more years (as many of my friends are) you honestly have no idea how absolutely ridiculous the dating scene is.  I'm not sure if it's the anonymity of a text message (although equally as ridiculous things have been said to me in person) but man oh man, chivalry and tact have been lost along the way.

I want to warn you, that if you haven't dated in many years, haven't texted with complete strangers and are sensitive, you may want to stop reading RIGHT NOW.  If you could use some entertainment, here are some of the things complete strangers have said to me.  I wanted to use screen shots for the bulk of them, but being the nice girl that I am, I will write them in no particular order and with some asterisks to save your innocent eyes.  The struggle is real ;)


1.  I see you are a blonde, are you a natural blond? Does the carpet match the curtains?

2. Is eight inches enough for you baby? 

3. Oh, you are not responding now? If I sent you a photo of me naked, you would be sorry for that.

4. Can I ask you a very serious question, do you squirt?  (This one was said in person- and he probably wonders why he is single?) 

5. You look like you have big boobs, are they?

6. I know you aren't looking for a woman, but I wanted to send you a message in case you change your mind

7. I bet you have a wet pu**y

8. (while eating a hot dog)  I see you like eating hot dogs? (In person, he was not referring to a hot dog) 

9.  Well, I'm not divorced, currently still living with my wife, but in the basement.  She doesn't know yet but as soon as I am ready to move on, I will see a lawyer.  

10.  I hope this isn't too forward, but you look like you have nice lips, I know where they can go

11.  Before we meet, I just want to be upfront and say that I love oral s*x and I could never proceed in a relationship without it.

12.  Ok, I'm actually 24, but milf porn is my favorite (I'm not sure what offended me more- probably that I'm old lol)

13.  Can I buy you a drink, a promise I won't drug it (In person, omg)

14.  I'm only here in Winnipeg for one more night- you would never have to see me again (in person)

Why So Glum Chum?

I am almost 40 years old (one year and 2 months shy of 40 to be exact) and this is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I have dealt with some kind of depression. 

It isn't an all out depression.  I don't think I need drugs, I don't feel I need to speak with a professional, I am by no means suicidal and some days I am not very sad.  But it's there.  It lurks.  And it's funny how it works.  Some days I wake up invigorated and hopeful but by mid day the roller coaster has hit the bottom.  Sometimes by the late hours of the night the roller coaster starts climbing the rails and I have this certain boost of positivity and I can accomplish everything that I should have all day long.   It's strange how it works.  I have a good handle on my feelings.  I know when they aren't right and I am smart enough to know that they will pass.  I feel fortunate.  I feel fortunate because unlike some people who have these emotions and don't give them much thought, I can analyze them, deal with them and forge on. 

Even though I can forge on, I find some of the thoughts associated with feeling this way tough and interesting all at the same time.  Certain things that you normally wouldn't care about or think about loom in your thoughts and when it was at the point where I started to think about those feelings that I could put the puzzle together.

When the roller coaster is at it's lowest, things bother me that normally wouldn't. 

One day while perusing Facebook, I happened to see that an acquaintance was in a new relationship.  Comments followed her proclamation- "congrats!" and "woo-hoo, finally"  and "well deserved!" etc etc.  How many times have I seen posts like this without a second thought?  I am not normally unhappy when I see them.  But this bothered me.  I stared at the profile photo.  Great looking woman... and my only thought was "who?"  Is it someone that I have loved?  Someone who didn't love me? Someone that I still love?   And for the entire day and the day that followed that one I logged in multiple times to that account to see if there was any clue to who this person could be.  I was fearful.   We live in a big city.  The odds are slim to none.  But I was terrified, paranoid... jealous?

When plans are cancelled with friends, when a text isn't returned, when I see someone attending an event without me that I would have liked to be at... The self pity and sadness are escalated.  I know in my brain that nothing is personal.  I know that if the roller coaster was at the top of the hill I wouldn't care... but when it's sitting at the bottom the self pity is terrible.  Does no one like me as much as I like them?  Does no one care?  And so that self pity looms.  I want to burn a bridge.  I want to walk away from people.  And it's ridiculous.  It's ridiculous because it's so momentary.  This is what depression does.  It takes a momentary feeling or thought and blows it entirely out of proportion.

When something happens with the kids... something small, If Ryan gets in the car after school and tells me that someone wasn't nice to him... well of course any parent in any state of mind might feel sad, but if my roller coaster is sitting low, I AM SO SAD for him.  And then I pry a bit (all trying to sound like I don't care), "well what did you say?" and "what did a teacher say?"  And all the while I am second guessing if he handled it right, if he is sad about it like I am.  And of course the next day, heck the next hour- things are back to normal for Ryan- it isn't a care of his in the world... but I have had a pit in my stomach for the last hour.  

Depression escalates all normal human feelings.  It makes you feel guilty, worthless, jealous, sad.  It makes you self-sabotage, burn bridges, retreat and ignore people who have no idea you are feeling this way.  But the ABSOLUTE WORST thing is does is give you the feeling of hopelessness.  And to me hopelessness is the absolute worst emotion to deal with.    A person can have everything in the world but when you are feeling low, it doesn't matter.

But even after writing this all- I do think I will be ok- I KNOW I will be ok.   Years and months and days have ups and downs.  I know that it's only a matter of time until the roller coaster sits at the top of the mountain for longer periods of time.  I am looking forward to that again.  All the superficial things that fill our cups (shopping, renovations, evenings out, great food, boys, sex, love) won't matter as much. 

Looking forward to it.